


Jareth Goes to Costco

by breejah



Series: 'Quick Fic/Photo Prompt' Labyrinth Challenges [24]
Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Ass Biscuits, Bad Puns, Crack, Dick Fruit, F/M, Goblin Naming Conventions, Grocery Shopping, If Goblins Named Food, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 13:01:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18334919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breejah/pseuds/breejah
Summary: Jareth's subjects ruined his upcoming party, but Danu granted him a panicked wish when he spotted Sarah in a strange open market of sorts. Able to join her Aboveground, together they recovered his missing food items, even if they weren't quite called the same thing Aboveground as below.Rated G - minor sexual innuendos, a kid-like Jareth, adult Sarah. Enjoy, but don't take too seriously.





	Jareth Goes to Costco

**Author's Note:**

> Absolute total crackfic inspired by silly food memes when people name traditional food items something completely asinine. Ever see those horrible translations for food items on the internet? (I think mostly East Asian countries are culprits and that's pretty much the inspiration for this nonsense, LOL)
> 
> Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing either - but I've been away for a week and needed to cut my teeth on something silly before I tackle my more serious fics! LOL!

When things went wrong in the Goblin Kingdom, they went _really_ wrong. In fact, that’s what was happening today, at this very moment, a mere three hours before Jareth was supposed to host the gala of the century for the Underground, ushering in all Kingdoms under a banner of merriment, food, and dancing.

Except the goblins had gotten into the larders and, well – there was no food. Literally none.

Frantic, he conjured a crystal in his palm and threw himself across his throne in misery, idly wondering what he would do to save face with the elf, sprite, and dwarf kingdoms – all known for heavily imbibing on such events – that expected nothing but the best of the Goblin King.

“Show me the girl,” he whispered on a whim, thinking to himself _‘I’m already fucked, maybe staring at her will calm me, and I can find a way out of this disastrous affair.’_ Suddenly, there she was, pushing a strange metal cart in front of her with both hands, staring down a long corridor of boxes, labeled suspiciously with markings and bars, piquing his curiosity. Frowning, he sat up straighter, utterly alone, having banished his pesky subjects to the goblin city and beyond, too angry to have them running around the castle that they’d so recently swindled of every last stitch of food – food that he had needed to tame his allies this evening.

He’d never admit it, not to anyone, but he often stared at her through his crystals, curious how her mortal life was evolving. Humans aged so quickly compared to fae, and now his adventurous girl was a full grown woman, ripe in all the right places, still maintaining that element of charm and tenacity that he’d admired when she was younger and more innocent. Again, he was curious where she was, tilting his head to the side and squinting, until – without realizing it – he’d _wished_ openly for the first time in centuries, and he found himself staggering on his own two legs, standing right beside Sarah…in a shopping market?

Sarah whirled, nearly shrieking, as he stumbled into her. He tensed, humiliation flaring his cheeks a brief pink, but she looked equally shocked, blinking and staring, as if she didn’t believe he’d suddenly appeared.

_“G-Goblin King? You’re—holy fuck—you’re **real?** ”_

_That_ made him stand up straighter. _What the hell?_ “Of course I’m bloody _real,_ Precious,” he snapped, glaring at her. “Didn’t your run in my Labyrinth teach you that?”

Sarah stared back, her eyes narrowing, long enough he began to get nervous, having recovered fully now and realized what he’d done. _Fuck, this is—awkward._

“Okay, so you’re real. Sorry, that night was really strange for me, I brushed it off as a dream. So, you're here and... _uh..._ stalking me in the supermarket?” She looked around slowly, wondering if anyone had caught on to his sudden appearance and the mysterious addition to glitter covering literally _every_ surface a half-meter wide from where they stood. "Look, I've been very careful of my words since that fiasco! What gives?"

“It's not about any words, Precious, it's—” He opened his mouth to protest, then realized he couldn’t, staring back at her, knowing she'd been minding her own business until he'd looked her up in his crystal. Suddenly, he flushed, realizing how time had been kind to her - and made her closer to his physical maturity. Up close, she was so much lovelier than his crystals allowed him to see, and he found himself struggling with something to say. _You're really beautiful and, so yeah, I might have alt-dimension stalked you for the past fifteen or so years, but I wasn't planning on suddenly appearing in a market with you, but--_ “….Um, yes?”

 _That was…not how I envisioned our reunion going._ He nearly winced, but he refused. He was the damn Goblin King, he would not  _wince_ in her presence.

Sarah once more stared, her expression turning puzzled as her eyes lingered over his face, but he was too horrified at what he'd blurted out to tease  her for the lingering glance. Suddenly, she chuckled and shook her head, wheeling that strange metal cart along as she turned a full half-circle around him, inspecting him slowly, then finally shrugged and waited for him to say something. 

 _Like what you see?_ His mind taunted at him to say, but he bit down on his tongue. That would only scare her - even if he  _did_ want to say it.  _You're hot? Isn't that what mortals say for 'your facial features are pleasant to look upon?' Fuck, why is this so hard?_

"So, as it stands, since I am here, I --" Suddenly, he remembered the area he'd spied her in, turning and whirling, staggering at the mountains of glorious food that accosted his sight. “Sweet Danu, Precious—is this…is this a…. _food market?”_

Sarah blinked, her lips twitching, but she began to nod. "It is. Do they not have them where you come from? You're... _heh..._ awfully excited for being in Coscto."

 _Costco,_ his mind whirled, giddy. Tonight would not be a total disaster after all! He was _beyond_ ecstatic. Somehow, Danu had blessed him, granted _this_ wish above all others – and when it came to his Sarah, he’d wished a _lot_ of things over the years – knowing his current plight with the approaching gala he was supposed to prepare for.

“This is perfection!” He nearly shouted, whirling again, glancing over Sarah’s cart – _so **that’s** what it was for! Gathering this blessed food!_ – and he gripped her shoulders gleefully, ignoring the rising panic replacing the amusement that previously lingered there. “I’m in need of sustenance for tonight’s gala in the Goblin Kingdom and the little miscreants ate all my larders dry! Danu brought me here so you could help me!”

Sarah didn’t look so convinced, but he was too happy to pay much attention to the slowly creeping wariness settling into her features. He gripped her cart and wheeled it around the room. “I need yellow dick fruit!”

Sarah choked. “ _What?”_

Jareth narrowed his eyes. “What, and banana isn’t the silliest mortal term ever created? I need _bananas,_ precious. Show them to me?”

“Just—don’t call them yellow dick fruit—and sure.” She slowly drew in a shallow breath and Jareth briefly stiffened, offended that she looked like she was about to laugh. _This was SERIOUS! He was about to save a gala! He needed the damned dick fruit!_

Sarah lead the cart towards the area in question, and – there it was. _Mountains of them, nearly taller than he was._

“My Gods, your dick trees are prosperous here,” he murmured, in awe. “They’re _very_ hard to grow in the Underground, you see. That’s why they’re considered delicacies.”

"That's what she said," he could have sworn he heard her mutter, giving her a brief glare. 

"What?" He asked.

"Uh, nothing," she replied. He ignored her, heaving handfuls into the metal cart.  _Thank the Gods that the mortals love their dick frui--er, bananas,_ he mentally redacted his words, watching Sarah study him with an unmistakable snort of amusement.

"What's so funny  _now?_ " He huffed, not finding his predicament amusing. 

She actually grinned that time, and began helping him. "Nothing, just--nevermind. Mind in the gutter. Sorry, you say dick fruit, I say banana, then my head has done nothing since but conjure endless puns ever since. I'll never think of these damn things differently ever again, thanks to you."

"Well, I mean, they _are_ rather phallic, are they not? So why is dick fruit so wrong to say?"

It was then he noticed people staring at them and Sarah wheezed, waving a hand for him to stop. Was she-- _laughing?_  

"Sarah, this is very serious, I assure you..." He began, but she'd slunk low in her grip of the metal cart's rails, snorting and giggling like the young girl he remembered. If he wasn't so worried about the evening's events, he'd almost glare, but -- she was helping him. He let it drop and loaded her cart as high as it would go.

When he was done, he narrowed his eyes and looked around. If they had this, then they had to have -- _Oh YES! PRAISE DANU!_

“YOU HAVE MAJESTIC ASS BISCUITS!” He roared, taking off for them. This find would have the dwarven kingdom eating out of the palm of his hand by the time the gala was over.

“Fuck, Jareth, quit shouting!” Sarah hissed, looking around wildly, as she took off after him, seemingly fully recovered from her earlier attack of the giggles. “People are going to think you’re high and call the cops.”

That made him pause, utterly confused, as he watched Sarah glare at him and begin to load the total number of packages he required. “Am I not allowed to rejoice that this will save my affair this evening? You’ve no idea what it’s like when dwarves are angry at your kingdom. They supply the rocks that build the Labyrinth walls. Well, you were there once, you remember what parts of my territory looked like, crumbling to dust - I lacked biscuits then and look how _that_ turned out. This is very serious, I assure you. If I have to force feed those mongrels these majestic ass biscuits to barter better rock prices, then—”

“Okay, Jesus, I get it,” Sarah whispered fiercely, inches from his face, her eyes darting to others in the vicinity that had begun to stare, almost slapping a palm across his mouth, her lips once more twitching in what he assumed was amusement, but was also clearly flickers of panic. He wanted to glare, but he was too taken aback that she’d touched him. He rather liked it. “Just—like I said, keep your voice down. Humans are strange about outbursts in public places.”

“Truly?” No wonder he never understood humans and she’d been so adamant to go home. 

“Yep,” she replied, canting her head to the side as she studied him, a small amused grin tugging at her lips. “Dick fruit and ass biscuits…” Saying that, she actually chuckled. “Okay, what’s next?”

“Boo berries,” he commented, whirling fast enough that Sarah had to push the metal cart quickly to keep up with him. Studying the area frantically, he finally spotted them, grinning and pouncing on them.

“We call them blueberries,” she chuckled, putting them in the cart. “Who names these things where you come from?”

“The goblins, of course,” he replied, looking at her like she was daft. Sarah blinked, then laughed, shaking her head. He was too distracted once more, however, to hear her continued replies. Isle by isle, they slowly replaced everything he needed to make the gala a renowned event to be spoken about for years to come.  _Those rocks are as good as MINE,_ he thought smugly.

As the cart was almost full, he felt the magic tug at his navel and he leapt, gripping the metal cart and pushing Sarah back, knowing he didn't have long before the Underground called him back. “Thank you again, Precious, for the assistance. I shan’t forget it.”

Just because he could, he leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers. She stiffened, letting out a faint gasp of shock – then the magic faded, leaving him in the throne room, without Sarah, but with one overstuffed metal cart and food items galore.

Grinning he wheeled it off towards the banquet hall, pleased with himself. He’d recovered the food _and_ stolen a kiss from the mortal he’d been secretly admiring for years.

_Perhaps next time, when I’m thinking of **other things,** Danu will also listen and bequeath me my innermost wishes – preferably one sans clothing._

That, however, was a tale for another day.

 


End file.
